Post by jean on Jan 21, 2010 10:52:17 GMT
An old article, but worth re-reading:
'Many years ago Norman Tebbit caused a political storm with his so-called "cricket test". An adapted version of this was later used by several Commonwealth countries - no one was allowed in unless they wanted to hit Norman Tebbit round the head with a cricket bat. Yesterday's white paper on immigration and citizenship proposed that immigrants to this country swear an oath of allegiance to the Queen and demonstrate an ability to speak English that would have ruled out most of her ancestors.
The full text of the pledge requires new arrivals to uphold British values and democratic traditions - so from now on they'll stop bothering to vote at elections and will just moan about everything instead.
Some immigrants to these shores do seem to have slightly naive ideas about what life in Britain is like. Anyone who tries to get into the UK by clinging to the underneath of a train should have it politely explained to them that, in this country, the trains don't actually go anywhere.
But if there is going to be a test for British citizenship, it should at least reflect the reality of the British character. For a start, in the queue for applications, anyone seen twitching nervously in case that man hovering near the front was thinking of pushing in, would get extra "Britishness" points straight away. However, when someone does barge to the front of the queue, the ideal applicant should whisper to her husband "I'm going to say something" to which he should reply "Shh dear, best not make a fuss" - that couple will have passed stage one with flying colours. Then comes the tough written test, (and anyone who completes this without a single grammatical error or spelling mistake will be told to go straight back to Holland).
Question 1 - please list the following events in order of historical importance: a) the French revolution; b) the end of the cold war; c) Brotherhood of Man's 1976 Eurovision triumph with Save Your Kisses For Me. Question 2 - what is the traditional accompaniment to spaghetti bolognaise? a) a light sprinkling of grated parmesan cheese; or b) a large portion of chips and two slices of white bread. Question 3 - a man trips on the pavement and bumps into you; do you: a) cast him a slightly annoyed look and continue on your way; or b) say "Oh I'm terribly sorry, really; my fault entirely". Question 4 - which of the following would make you sufficiently angry to write to your MP? a) Britain's involvement in a war with no foundation in international law; b) the sale of British armaments to repressive dictatorships; or c) the shipping forecast on Radio 4 changing the name "Finisterre" to "Fitzroy".
Immigration to Britain is nothing new, although in the old days the speed at which applications were processed often depended on how big your army was. Back in 1066, for example, the small immigration office at Hastings was completely overwhelmed: "Right sir, while your army is filling out form 7R(B) - application for admission to Wessex by non-Saxon residents - can I just ask you the purpose of your visit to the UK?"
"Well, to overthrow the incumbent Saxon monarchy, install a brutal regime based on fear and murder, and seize all wealth and property for myself and my fellow Normans."
"Fine, just as long as you weren't planning to do any paid work while you were here."
At which point one of the lancers had to go home, because he'd been hoping to do a little bit of bar-work.
Today we hope to make assimilation a more peaceful process. The government wants immigrants to become fully integrated into British society and obviously the best way to do this is to have all the Muslims going to one school and all the Christians attending another one down the road.
But David Blunkett's white paper (an unfortunate name in the circumstances) has now been upstaged by his comments about arranged marriages. He suggested that it would be better for people to choose their marriage partners from here in Britain rather than Asia, which greatly upset some fat old white men who were looking at a website based in Thailand. Of course for most Britons it has not been customary for our parents to arrange our marriages. Instead we have both sets of in-laws come to stay at Christmas, and there then follows an arranged divorce.
When politicians talk about race, and indeed religion, care must be taken, not just because it is so easy to give offence, but because there are racists in our society who need only the slightest mis-heard cue to justify racial violence. Which makes it all the more ironic that David Blunkett had to back down when he attempted to outlaw the incitement of religious hatred. Some people tried to claim this would make it illegal to impersonate a vicar, which was clearly ridiculous. What did they think the prime minister had been doing for the last five years?'
www.guardian.co.uk/society/2002/feb/09/asylum
'Many years ago Norman Tebbit caused a political storm with his so-called "cricket test". An adapted version of this was later used by several Commonwealth countries - no one was allowed in unless they wanted to hit Norman Tebbit round the head with a cricket bat. Yesterday's white paper on immigration and citizenship proposed that immigrants to this country swear an oath of allegiance to the Queen and demonstrate an ability to speak English that would have ruled out most of her ancestors.
The full text of the pledge requires new arrivals to uphold British values and democratic traditions - so from now on they'll stop bothering to vote at elections and will just moan about everything instead.
Some immigrants to these shores do seem to have slightly naive ideas about what life in Britain is like. Anyone who tries to get into the UK by clinging to the underneath of a train should have it politely explained to them that, in this country, the trains don't actually go anywhere.
But if there is going to be a test for British citizenship, it should at least reflect the reality of the British character. For a start, in the queue for applications, anyone seen twitching nervously in case that man hovering near the front was thinking of pushing in, would get extra "Britishness" points straight away. However, when someone does barge to the front of the queue, the ideal applicant should whisper to her husband "I'm going to say something" to which he should reply "Shh dear, best not make a fuss" - that couple will have passed stage one with flying colours. Then comes the tough written test, (and anyone who completes this without a single grammatical error or spelling mistake will be told to go straight back to Holland).
Question 1 - please list the following events in order of historical importance: a) the French revolution; b) the end of the cold war; c) Brotherhood of Man's 1976 Eurovision triumph with Save Your Kisses For Me. Question 2 - what is the traditional accompaniment to spaghetti bolognaise? a) a light sprinkling of grated parmesan cheese; or b) a large portion of chips and two slices of white bread. Question 3 - a man trips on the pavement and bumps into you; do you: a) cast him a slightly annoyed look and continue on your way; or b) say "Oh I'm terribly sorry, really; my fault entirely". Question 4 - which of the following would make you sufficiently angry to write to your MP? a) Britain's involvement in a war with no foundation in international law; b) the sale of British armaments to repressive dictatorships; or c) the shipping forecast on Radio 4 changing the name "Finisterre" to "Fitzroy".
Immigration to Britain is nothing new, although in the old days the speed at which applications were processed often depended on how big your army was. Back in 1066, for example, the small immigration office at Hastings was completely overwhelmed: "Right sir, while your army is filling out form 7R(B) - application for admission to Wessex by non-Saxon residents - can I just ask you the purpose of your visit to the UK?"
"Well, to overthrow the incumbent Saxon monarchy, install a brutal regime based on fear and murder, and seize all wealth and property for myself and my fellow Normans."
"Fine, just as long as you weren't planning to do any paid work while you were here."
At which point one of the lancers had to go home, because he'd been hoping to do a little bit of bar-work.
Today we hope to make assimilation a more peaceful process. The government wants immigrants to become fully integrated into British society and obviously the best way to do this is to have all the Muslims going to one school and all the Christians attending another one down the road.
But David Blunkett's white paper (an unfortunate name in the circumstances) has now been upstaged by his comments about arranged marriages. He suggested that it would be better for people to choose their marriage partners from here in Britain rather than Asia, which greatly upset some fat old white men who were looking at a website based in Thailand. Of course for most Britons it has not been customary for our parents to arrange our marriages. Instead we have both sets of in-laws come to stay at Christmas, and there then follows an arranged divorce.
When politicians talk about race, and indeed religion, care must be taken, not just because it is so easy to give offence, but because there are racists in our society who need only the slightest mis-heard cue to justify racial violence. Which makes it all the more ironic that David Blunkett had to back down when he attempted to outlaw the incitement of religious hatred. Some people tried to claim this would make it illegal to impersonate a vicar, which was clearly ridiculous. What did they think the prime minister had been doing for the last five years?'
www.guardian.co.uk/society/2002/feb/09/asylum
